Thursday Thoughts...

Relationships are hard work but then you add in all the baggage that comes along with being in a second or third marriage and it can sometimes be a recipe for disaster. Don't let it be. Fight for your marriage and your happiness. For me I found TRUE, REAL love the second time around. My first marriage I was TOO young, too dumb and thought I could fix him with my love. Ya, that really worked out for me! :p I really can't compare the two marriages because I didn't have a solid foundation the first time around. I felt like I was in that marriage alone and I was. When I reconnected with my current husband (we have known each other since we were kids..I'll tell that story another time ;)) I had been a single mother for 6 LONG, hard years. I had almost given up hope on ever finding true love, he was a breath of fresh air. He treated me good, like a real partner, he was great with my boys, he was a hard worker and he was a great father. We had an instant connection and built a great friendship that turned into a relationship. I knew he had 4 kids and I knew it would be a lot of work but I was really quite naive about just how much baggage came along with it. I thought his ex would be decent and we would all get along and ride off in the sunset... Wishful thinking on my part. Although it has been extremely hard and painful at times, I wouldn't trade my marriage for anything in the world. Having a partner that loves me is everything to me! 

Here are some things that have helped us keep our relationship strong:

1. Make time for each other. Whether it be a quick little lunch/dinner date or even just a scenic drive. Make the time to connect just the two of you. Remember kids grow up and leave the nest...you are with your husband a lifetime. Put in the work. 

2. Don't talk about the EX all the time. This one is a hard one! Especially if you are dealing with a high-conflict ex that seems to cause issues daily/weekly. She wants you to talk about her and she wants to make you guys as unhappy as she is. Don't give her what she wants. Deal with the issue and move on. Don't let her become a wedge between you.

3. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks about you. I spent too many years caring what other people think. STOP. I know who I am and what I do as a wife, mother and step-mother and I don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks.

4. Tell each other how much you appreciate the other. This is especially important for us step-parents. Being a step-parent is a thankless job half the time. You do everything a real parent does but sometimes get no credit. It helps to have a supportive spouse that sees and appreciates all you do for your family.

Everything isn't always going to run smoothly... But if you build a solid foundation and make time for each other, you will be able to deal with all that life throws your way. 

Disappointment

Sadness..
          Anger...
     Fear...
              Anxious...
       Nervous...
 Hurt....
     Awkward...
                Unwanted..
Disappointed...

Sadly, that is what I felt today.

I knew it was coming. 2 of my s-sons had an event at church today. I knew all week long that I would have to see HER today but no matter how much I prepare, I'm always a mess. First it starts out with feeling anxious and this need to pick out just the right dress and make sure my make-up is flawless. (anyone else?) Then right as we are about to walk out the door...it hits me. Immediately my stomach starts turning and I'm feeling sick but I push through it. We get to the church and go in. (mind you everyone in that building has heard HER version of the divorce and HER version about who I am) It's the worst feeling in the world going into enemy territory. Not knowing who is who and nodding and smiling at their fake hello's BUT I tell myself.. This is all for the kids. I'm here for the kids.  As we sit and wait my husband looks over and asks if I'm okay. No, No I'm not but I have to pretend to be. He knows it and can see how bad my stomach is hurting in my face. He pats my leg and we wait....
and wait... for what seems like an eternity. When you are in a place where you feel so unwanted time moves ever so slowly. I can feel my heartbeat ringing in my ears. Then I catch a glimpse of HER down the hallway making her way over to the room, trailing behind her are the 4 children we both LOVE and care for. She walks right in front of me and pretends I don't exist. Not a wave, not a hi, nothing...  I can see on the kids faces that they feel awkward and unsure of what to do and what is acceptable by their mother. One by one they quickly acknowledge me and just as quickly go right back to their mother's side. They know where they have to be in order to make their mother feel okay and I think they also know (I hope they know) I will be okay and am always there supporting them in all they do. They have learned that they have to make their mother feel okay and comfortable. It's their normal on her weekends. The event ends and once again the fake smiles and awkward "thanks, for coming are said" but still not a word or wave from HER. 

Does she realize how EXTREMELY lucky she is to have an involved father who not only pays his child support but shows up for his time with the kids and goes to every event? Does she realize how lucky she is to have a Step-mom involved with her kids that actually cares and does a good job, one who goes above and beyond what is asked of her? Why act cold and bitter and mad that we are showing up for the kids? Isn't this what is best for them? Doesn't this benefit them? The sad thing is... is that I know she doesn't care. She is so blinded by her own anger and feelings that she doesn't care about any else's feelings even her own children. I'm so proud of my husband and I for even showing up to these things. Does she even get how hard that is to walk into a place where everyone is judging us based upon lies? 

I leave these event's with the most empty feeling and the one word that describes it best is

DISAPPOINTMENT

It doesn't have to be this way. Why is it this way? We all love the same children. Why can't we show respect to each other in front of the kids? Let them see us saying to hi to each other. EVEN after all the hurtful things she has done to me and said to me... IF she would have said hi or waved, I would have forgiven all things yet again just to have the chance for peace. It's not about ego for me or who is first place. I just want peace and for events to not be so stressful or hard on me. I have been sick all day. My anxiety and nervous stomach got the best of me today. Maybe one day I will not care so much but then I wouldn't be me. I'm just a girl who finally after going through hell myself and being a REAL, TRUE single mother in every sense of the word for 6 long years found the love of my life and someone to help me raise my 2 boys and just want to be happy. Let me be happy. The crazy thing is... I also want happiness for you too even after all the hell you have put me through. That is just the kind of person I am. 

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new day and with it new words...

Hope..
     Peace...
Understanding...
and most importantly LOVE...


      

Fighting the good fight

We are a blended family and not only are we a blended family but we are also an interracial family. This hasn't really been an issue other then your occasional stare from strangers and personally I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I love my family just the way we are but for the BM I believe it has and always will be an issue that comes out when she is mad in the form of hateful words like "your WHITE wife" "Stupid White wife" "White bitch" and my personal favorite... "I don't want your WHITE wife touching my black daughter's hair!" What do you think would happen if I said those things to her!!? If I used her skin color before a word?? Can you imagine? I would be called a racist and more but it's okay for her to call me those things? SO sad. 

Our last fight was over this very subject and I was left feeling extremely HURT. I'm a people pleaser and sometimes to a fault and because of this AND because of the fact that I know she HATES me.. has me being super nice and trying to do anything I can to change her mind about me, no matter how horrible she is to me... I come back even nicer. WHY? Why do I put myself through this torture? This is something I have been trying to figure out for 6 years now. Why am I seeking her approval? To be honest, I don't think it's any of those things. I think it has to do with the fact that I put in a lot of work and do so many extra things for her and the kids and to have her constantly spew hate in my face gets exhausting. I want to be acknowledged for the things I do. I WANT respect! I feel I deserve RESPECT! That's all. 

As for my step-daughters hair...From the beginning, I went out and bought salon brand shampoo and conditioner and hair moisturizer. I send her home with clean well kept hair almost trying to prove to her look I CAN do her hair but when BM is mad she comes for the juggler! She comes at you with the most hurtful things she can say. She fights hard and dirty... A technique I'm not familiar with or comfortable with. I know the power of words and saying something so hateful to someone can stick with them for a lifetime. Believe me! The things she has said to me run through my head weekly and don't think for a second I haven't wanted to retaliate and say rude things back but something inside me always stops me. Many a email have been written and then deleted. It's hard to always take the high road...But I'm hoping one day it will pay off.

I think it's a beautiful thing to be raised by 2 very different mothers. Do you know how much you can learn from both of them? Different points of view on everything. My most favorite, cherished times are when I'm bathing my step-daughter and teaching her how to wash herself and chatting as we do her hair. We have grown closer through those moments when she plays with my makeup and we talk about life. She doesn't care that I'm white and may not know how to braid her hair just like her mom can. All she knows is that her Mom 2 (as I'm listed in her phone) does her hair her own way and that's okay. She sees me for me and loves me too. If only everyone saw things they way small children do. The world would be a much happier place. 

This isn't a competition. No one comes in first place. Aren't we in this race together? Aren't we raising the same kids to hopefully become successful adults? My mantra of killing the BM with kindness hasn't been successful. It's actually hurt me over the course of the years and I have had to remove myself from being so available to the BM and take a step back to protect myself but I will always hold out hope that one day we will all get along. Wishful thinking? or just who I am?

Some things I have learned.

1. Don't bad mouth each other. As much as you may want to.. Don't. The kids will one day look back and KNOW which parent did this and which one didn't. Don't be on the wrong list one day. They will thank you for it one day.

2. Don't take things so personal. This one is hard for me and something I have to keep working on. What the BM thinks of you is none of your concern. YOU know who you are and what you do. That should be enough. Easier said then done though.

These days I'm choosing to focus more on my family and the good times. I have to remember that being in a blended family means many things are out of my control and I have to be okay with that. Also it is okay to set boundaries. You do not need to subject yourself to hurtful things, remove yourself from unhealthy situations dealing with the BM.

To all the Step-mama's out there... YOU are doing a good job! You are appreciated! Don't stop fighting the good fight!


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NO Time for FAKE

At this point in my life and with each passing year I find I have NO TIME FOR FAKE! I'm searching and craving realness. Everyone has a story, a why they are the person they are today and every mistake and trial is what made you who you are...So why do we feel the need to hide those things? Sharing your trials and hard times is what makes you relatable and makes people feel like okay, I'm not the only one going through these things. Now a days, people want to portray a perfect life and I don't know why. Don't we grow and become more strong with each trial?  I know as women we have a tendency to compare ourselves to other women about everything! I'm not as cute as her, I don't know how to dress and keep up with the latest trends, my house isn't as grand or decorated as good as hers, my kids aren't as well behaved and the list goes on and on...  STOP! Stop doing it! realize we are all struggling and we ALL make mistakes. We are all searching for someone to just get us and not judge us. 

TRUTH TIME:

As I'm writing this please know... My house is a wreck! There are dishes piled high in my sink, laundry spilling out of 4 baskets, a load waiting to be folding in the dryer, my bathrooms are so sick I would be embarrassed if anyone were to see them right now, my room is the worst room in the house I feel like if I keep the main floor somewhat decent it's a good day, I haven't done my hair and makeup in days and I have 2 huge blemishes on my face! AHH!! I have cute clothes in my closet but can't seem to ever put together a outfit I like or see someone else wearing, I usually just go for my trusty jeans and t shirt and go but my all time favorite thing to wear is my yoga pants! :) Half the time I feel like my head is spinning and I'm driving back and forth to our 4 kids house every other day and sometimes more, wanting to plan fun activities but having to make sure it's the right time when we have all of our kids so no one feels left out. Blended families are a challenge in their own right and we constantly feel like we are failing but then there are moments like yesterday when I get a text from our oldest and he asks to go to my son's football game and it's not our weekend with them shows me he cares and wants to be there for his brother, so I drive the extra miles to pick them up and we had a great time. That shows me that all of our hard work is paying off and we are slowly blending and bridging the gap a little more each time. 

Life is challenging and we need to learn not to be so hard on ourselves and really learn to look at each other and see that we are all trying at this thing called life. Smile at a stranger, do something nice for a neighbor, be slow to react, have more patience and most importantly... DON'T BE FAKE! 

Baggage...

As a single mom/woman searching, longing, hoping for love... You don't stop to even realize the backlash or baggage that comes along with being a second wife and for me, my husband brings so many more positives to my life that I'm willing to deal with the baggage.

BUT there is TONS of baggage. I went in naive. Thinking that the I would be friends with the ex wife and we would all work together and be great examples to the kids. What I got was the complete opposite! I'm no longer that innocent, naive young girl I once was. Life and reality has hit me hard!! Right where it hurts... My tender heart. I'm not cut out to be mean or have someone be mean to me. It hurts me to my core.

As a second wife you will NEVER get to see or enjoy your husband's full salary. You will live very tight for most of your young adult life.

As a second wife you can't really leave the state for longer them 4 days due to the parenting plan and our crazy schedule with the kids.

As a second wife you have to watch all your money go to her but then still provide groceries and meals half the month.

As a second wife you have to deal with the constant calls, texts (Sometimes inappropriate) and fighting from the ex wife all hours of the day and night.

First wives feel entitled. They feel they are better then you. They feel like they should forever be placed before you. They feel that since they have your husbands children they have more of a place then you do. (I'm reminded this every chance she gets) This will probably never change or maybe once I have years under my belt or hopefully when she gets remarried. (I'm praying for this everyday!!!) 

First wives need to get over themselves and realize that we do have a place. I am HIS WIFE NOW. I'm important and what I say matters. I'm here everyday helping to raise your kids! I have a place.

Challenges appear daily in kids activities.. The anxiety of getting there first so we can get a seat and watch her walk in or the anxiety of showing up second only to freak out about where she is and worrying about her watching me walk in. The stomach ache I get every time we drive to her house to pick up the kids. Why do I go? Oh because she has been known to come out and try and have long talks with my husband or throw herself at him. INAPPROPRIATE!!!

Simple things like trying to figure out kids schedules is difficult when you deal with someone who only wants to live in the past and hash out their relationship/divorce each time they talk. It's been 4 years now and we have been married 2 and half years and we STILL deal with this.

WHEN WILL IT END????

I ask myself this everyday. 

But it's in my face daily, I can't escape it. My husband has to work around the clock to provide for 2 households.  I have to drive to her house every other day. Constant reminder that I am a second wife.

It's such a shame that for 2 people who have finally found a true friendship and great, loving relationship the second time around has to deal with all this. Our happily ever after won't be for a LOOOOOOOOOng time. I don't understand anyone wanting to be this impossible to work with, when I have been nothing but kind and bent over backwards to make this whole thing work. 

All I can do is keep moving forward with hope and pray that one day this will all be over and she will see the light and things will get better.

A girl can dream...

#Secondwifestrong #exwivessuck 

Impossible

"Progress is impossible without CHANGE,

and those who cannot change their minds...CANNOT change ANYTHING."

Dealing with an impossible person is.... impossible.

Over the past two and half years I have been here in Georgia.. nothing has changed. I have basically begged, groveled, pleaded, cried, talked, yelled, tried and tried again

AND yet NOTHING has CHANGED. 

You see when you are dealing with someone who doesn't want to change, you will get no where. It is one of the hardest, most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with. 

Instead of compromise, respect, honesty and doing things with the best interest of the kids....

We get manipulated, lied to, walked all over, taken advantage of, disrespected and using kids as pawns in her sick games.

I kept thinking this will all blow over and get better and kept having faith and hope that she would give me chance and see me for who I am but no she chooses to HATE me for her own made up stories in her head and the one simple fact that she is still in love with my husband. (how I found this out is another story)

I am NOT the enemy! I'm on the same team, helping raise the same kids! Why would you go out of your way to make my life miserable?

Examples: Last year our 2 boys Cameron and Xavier played football. I signed them up, paid for it and drove 20 minutes out of my way 6 days a week to pick Cameron up from his house and take them to 2 different fields at different times and then back and forth watching them and them back to Cameron's house and then back to mine and washed both their gear every night. One night I couldn't take Cameron and texted HER (aka. The ex wife) and simply asked if she could take Cameron to practice. The response I got was shocking to me. She said she could not believe the audacity I had to ask her to take her own son to practice, that she was busy and it was putting her out. I was Shocked. I had never asked her for help before and I personally thought she would help cart the kids around. I was doing all the driving and washing of gear 6 days a week! She said she would do it this once because now she looks like a bitch ( her own words) but I would need to pick him up and drop him back off at her house. I did it. 

You see in her head she thought that since I signed him up, I should have all the responsibility. In my head I thought I was doing her a favor by signing him up and paying for it and doing most the work. I just assumed she would be grateful and offer to help out from time to time. I was dead wrong! Cut to this year. Cameron is now playing for the high school team this next school year. He loves to play. He has practices everyday. Guess who had Cameron ask Jason to pick him up everyday this week, knowing full well we won't say no to him. Manipulator! She didn't help out not one bit last year but now wants the help. I'm all for helping out but I want it to go both ways. She manipulates every situation to get her own way all the time and I'm fed up! She gets rewarded for bad behavior over and over again because we have to do the right thing for the kids.

You can't have a simple conversation with her either... NO, she has to yell, cuss and spit such hateful things it makes your head spin. So as of now we have no communication with her but how is that adult or how do we get anything resolved or pass back info on kids? 

I'm at a loss and finally coming to terms to with the fact that there are people out there so spiteful and mean that even killing them with kindness doesn't work..

How sad.. What a miserable life to have that much hate in your heart. 

#secondwifestrong #exwivessuck

#rantover

A work in progress...

This quote gives me life! It sings to my soul... I guess I have always struggled with self-esteem. When I was a young girl, I remember sitting on the bathroom counter and looking at myself and always wanting to change something. I didn't like my chubby cheeks, my chin and nose are too big and so on. In high school I remember spending hours on my hair and makeup and picking out the right outfit and always feeling like I just didn't measure up to the other girls. I was never happy about my body or the way I looked. (wish I would have appreciated that skinny body back then) After High school I fell in love with a great guy who treated me like a queen. He was not only a great boyfriend but we were best friends. We did everything together. Well one day out of the blue he decided to break up with me! He was preparing for a LDS mission and thought it would be best, while I understood that I was still blind sided. I was planning to wait for him and eventually marry him. He just shut me out cold turkey and it was DEVASTATING to me. I cried in bed for weeks and kept asking myself... What is wrong with me? Why did he shut me out when we were both head over heels for each other? I didn't see him again. Although years later he did reach out to me after I had gone through a rough marriage and divorce (he must of known how incredibly depressed and sad I was) and finally gave me the closure I So desperately needed.  He told me that he didn't leave me because he didn't love me anymore and that I was a special woman. Then he said some powerful words that hit me like a ton of bricks... He said "You deserve an incredible man that will take of you and your boys. BE THAT PERSON, Stefanie. When you look in the mirror, see that person.... That beautiful, fun-loving, amazing woman that I remember from our best days together. You have so much to give, Stef. Don't let the selfish choices of a jerk rob you of your happiness and potential. The man who gets you... will be so happy for the rest of his life. You are that special, Stef. You need to not only believe that and internalize it. Behave it, Live it... and when the man comes along and treats you that way, you'll know it's been worth it because YOU are worth it!"

Wow. I don't even think he realizes what an impact that letter had on me. It changed the way I saw and believed in myself from that day forward. What a gift he gave me even after all these years. After he broke up with me. I was lost and going down the wrong path and then I went on to date and marry my first husband. He was a very charismatic guy and loved going out and being around people. I always struggled with trusting him (ladies were always very fond of him and weren't afraid to show it even in front of me at times)(RED FLAG)  I always thought he was better looking then me and struggled my whole marriage with thinking I wasn't pretty enough or good enough.(Who thinks like that?) I would see other couples in love and say to myself.. Why can't he love me like that?.. We had two wonderful, handsome boys together and then I found out he cheated on me....  I didn't think I could have felt any lower. I was destroyed once again. I had no self-worth. I thought I wasn't loveable and still had those same questions in the back of my mind... What is wrong with me? Why does everyone I love.. leave me or cheat on me?

6 long years I was a struggling single mom who didn't think very highly of herself. I thought I was going to be alone forever. Who would want me? I come with major baggage and then in 2010 I got that letter from my old boyfriend and little did he know that I had also been contacted by an old crush going through a messy divorce himself..  That is where Jason comes in. Jason and I knew each other since we were kids. He was my step-brother's best friend growing up and I had a major crush on him but he was 5 years older then me.. So to him I was a dorky little sister. But seeing each other as adults I was once again reminded how cute he was and what a great guy he is. (sparks flew) We bonded over both going through divorces and we were so much alike. (he is weird and random like me) Things just clicked. I felt myself coming out of a fog I had been in for almost 10 years. I started seeing all the good around me and cherishing things a bit more. He comes from someone who didn't appreciate him and I came from someone who didn't really love me or see me. So we both filled that void in each other. But what I loved most was we were true friends. We talked about every and anything for hours. Slowly I was becoming that fun-loving girl I had always been.

It's amazing what life experiences can do to you. Mine nearly destroyed my self-esteem. We as women can be so hard on ourselves. Why? I STILL struggle with it from time to time and my past comes up with trusting someone again. Do you know how hard it is to trust after what I have been through. Luckily I have a very patient and loving husband.
The quote at the top of the page really nails it. We don't see ourselves at our most shining moments when pure love and happiness is radiating off of us, if we did we would feel completely different about ourselves. I know it. I love that picture of me at the top of the page, crooked smile and all.  I believe it captures true love and happiness. Jason took that of me when we were dating.

What I do know now is that.... I'm a very STRONG, independent, capable, forgiving, tender hearted (probably too much for my own good), loving, smart, funny, kind and thoughtful person. I put everything I have into my marriage and always dreamed and wished for that in return. I'm happy to say I now have that true companion who cares about my feelings and listens to me and loves me when I'm all made up and when I'm rocking the yoga pants and haven't washed my hair in days. He sees the real me. He loves my heart and everything I am on the inside and he knows I  have his back and adore him like crazy. Just today, he wrote me the most heart felt email as he is traveling out of state. he said "When I look in her eyes, I only see love and admiration. You see up until now, I thought it was her being playful or seeing me as "cute". I know realize that I was so wrong all along... She stares at me the way she does because she is truly lost in me. Something I have never felt and at times feel undeserving of. She is truly the light at the end of my seemingly dark tunnel. I love her with all my heart and love every imperfection on her body and in her soul and am grateful to god that we found each other."

Just the thing I needed to hear. He loves all my imperfections.. The same ones I pick at myself for. He doesn't see that my eyelashes aren't long enough, or that my hair isn't done or that I have stretch marks or that I hate the moles on my body or that I think I'm too fat. He sees the soft, nice smelling wife he loves to cuddle with, he sees the woman he loves to tease and talk with, he sees the mom who cares for the kids and spends hours cleaning and cooking for our family. He sees ME. How wonderful is that?  I feel so blessed to have found him... I only wish I would have found him sooner, but I wouldn't be the woman I am today without these hard life lessons.

To those of you struggling with self-esteem and self-worth.... It's a struggle each day. Please know you are worth it! Don't give up!! Find something everyday about yourself that you love, even if it is something small.  Your beautiful and important! Believe it, LIVE IT.  Let's build each other up as women! Help each other out along this journey called life. Everyone could use a pick me up from time to time.  Don't let your life experiences rob you of the life you deserve!!