A work in progress...

This quote gives me life! It sings to my soul... I guess I have always struggled with self-esteem. When I was a young girl, I remember sitting on the bathroom counter and looking at myself and always wanting to change something. I didn't like my chubby cheeks, my chin and nose are too big and so on. In high school I remember spending hours on my hair and makeup and picking out the right outfit and always feeling like I just didn't measure up to the other girls. I was never happy about my body or the way I looked. (wish I would have appreciated that skinny body back then) After High school I fell in love with a great guy who treated me like a queen. He was not only a great boyfriend but we were best friends. We did everything together. Well one day out of the blue he decided to break up with me! He was preparing for a LDS mission and thought it would be best, while I understood that I was still blind sided. I was planning to wait for him and eventually marry him. He just shut me out cold turkey and it was DEVASTATING to me. I cried in bed for weeks and kept asking myself... What is wrong with me? Why did he shut me out when we were both head over heels for each other? I didn't see him again. Although years later he did reach out to me after I had gone through a rough marriage and divorce (he must of known how incredibly depressed and sad I was) and finally gave me the closure I So desperately needed.  He told me that he didn't leave me because he didn't love me anymore and that I was a special woman. Then he said some powerful words that hit me like a ton of bricks... He said "You deserve an incredible man that will take of you and your boys. BE THAT PERSON, Stefanie. When you look in the mirror, see that person.... That beautiful, fun-loving, amazing woman that I remember from our best days together. You have so much to give, Stef. Don't let the selfish choices of a jerk rob you of your happiness and potential. The man who gets you... will be so happy for the rest of his life. You are that special, Stef. You need to not only believe that and internalize it. Behave it, Live it... and when the man comes along and treats you that way, you'll know it's been worth it because YOU are worth it!"

Wow. I don't even think he realizes what an impact that letter had on me. It changed the way I saw and believed in myself from that day forward. What a gift he gave me even after all these years. After he broke up with me. I was lost and going down the wrong path and then I went on to date and marry my first husband. He was a very charismatic guy and loved going out and being around people. I always struggled with trusting him (ladies were always very fond of him and weren't afraid to show it even in front of me at times)(RED FLAG)  I always thought he was better looking then me and struggled my whole marriage with thinking I wasn't pretty enough or good enough.(Who thinks like that?) I would see other couples in love and say to myself.. Why can't he love me like that?.. We had two wonderful, handsome boys together and then I found out he cheated on me....  I didn't think I could have felt any lower. I was destroyed once again. I had no self-worth. I thought I wasn't loveable and still had those same questions in the back of my mind... What is wrong with me? Why does everyone I love.. leave me or cheat on me?

6 long years I was a struggling single mom who didn't think very highly of herself. I thought I was going to be alone forever. Who would want me? I come with major baggage and then in 2010 I got that letter from my old boyfriend and little did he know that I had also been contacted by an old crush going through a messy divorce himself..  That is where Jason comes in. Jason and I knew each other since we were kids. He was my step-brother's best friend growing up and I had a major crush on him but he was 5 years older then me.. So to him I was a dorky little sister. But seeing each other as adults I was once again reminded how cute he was and what a great guy he is. (sparks flew) We bonded over both going through divorces and we were so much alike. (he is weird and random like me) Things just clicked. I felt myself coming out of a fog I had been in for almost 10 years. I started seeing all the good around me and cherishing things a bit more. He comes from someone who didn't appreciate him and I came from someone who didn't really love me or see me. So we both filled that void in each other. But what I loved most was we were true friends. We talked about every and anything for hours. Slowly I was becoming that fun-loving girl I had always been.

It's amazing what life experiences can do to you. Mine nearly destroyed my self-esteem. We as women can be so hard on ourselves. Why? I STILL struggle with it from time to time and my past comes up with trusting someone again. Do you know how hard it is to trust after what I have been through. Luckily I have a very patient and loving husband.
The quote at the top of the page really nails it. We don't see ourselves at our most shining moments when pure love and happiness is radiating off of us, if we did we would feel completely different about ourselves. I know it. I love that picture of me at the top of the page, crooked smile and all.  I believe it captures true love and happiness. Jason took that of me when we were dating.

What I do know now is that.... I'm a very STRONG, independent, capable, forgiving, tender hearted (probably too much for my own good), loving, smart, funny, kind and thoughtful person. I put everything I have into my marriage and always dreamed and wished for that in return. I'm happy to say I now have that true companion who cares about my feelings and listens to me and loves me when I'm all made up and when I'm rocking the yoga pants and haven't washed my hair in days. He sees the real me. He loves my heart and everything I am on the inside and he knows I  have his back and adore him like crazy. Just today, he wrote me the most heart felt email as he is traveling out of state. he said "When I look in her eyes, I only see love and admiration. You see up until now, I thought it was her being playful or seeing me as "cute". I know realize that I was so wrong all along... She stares at me the way she does because she is truly lost in me. Something I have never felt and at times feel undeserving of. She is truly the light at the end of my seemingly dark tunnel. I love her with all my heart and love every imperfection on her body and in her soul and am grateful to god that we found each other."

Just the thing I needed to hear. He loves all my imperfections.. The same ones I pick at myself for. He doesn't see that my eyelashes aren't long enough, or that my hair isn't done or that I have stretch marks or that I hate the moles on my body or that I think I'm too fat. He sees the soft, nice smelling wife he loves to cuddle with, he sees the woman he loves to tease and talk with, he sees the mom who cares for the kids and spends hours cleaning and cooking for our family. He sees ME. How wonderful is that?  I feel so blessed to have found him... I only wish I would have found him sooner, but I wouldn't be the woman I am today without these hard life lessons.

To those of you struggling with self-esteem and self-worth.... It's a struggle each day. Please know you are worth it! Don't give up!! Find something everyday about yourself that you love, even if it is something small.  Your beautiful and important! Believe it, LIVE IT.  Let's build each other up as women! Help each other out along this journey called life. Everyone could use a pick me up from time to time.  Don't let your life experiences rob you of the life you deserve!!