Disappointment

Sadness..
          Anger...
     Fear...
              Anxious...
       Nervous...
 Hurt....
     Awkward...
                Unwanted..
Disappointed...

Sadly, that is what I felt today.

I knew it was coming. 2 of my s-sons had an event at church today. I knew all week long that I would have to see HER today but no matter how much I prepare, I'm always a mess. First it starts out with feeling anxious and this need to pick out just the right dress and make sure my make-up is flawless. (anyone else?) Then right as we are about to walk out the door...it hits me. Immediately my stomach starts turning and I'm feeling sick but I push through it. We get to the church and go in. (mind you everyone in that building has heard HER version of the divorce and HER version about who I am) It's the worst feeling in the world going into enemy territory. Not knowing who is who and nodding and smiling at their fake hello's BUT I tell myself.. This is all for the kids. I'm here for the kids.  As we sit and wait my husband looks over and asks if I'm okay. No, No I'm not but I have to pretend to be. He knows it and can see how bad my stomach is hurting in my face. He pats my leg and we wait....
and wait... for what seems like an eternity. When you are in a place where you feel so unwanted time moves ever so slowly. I can feel my heartbeat ringing in my ears. Then I catch a glimpse of HER down the hallway making her way over to the room, trailing behind her are the 4 children we both LOVE and care for. She walks right in front of me and pretends I don't exist. Not a wave, not a hi, nothing...  I can see on the kids faces that they feel awkward and unsure of what to do and what is acceptable by their mother. One by one they quickly acknowledge me and just as quickly go right back to their mother's side. They know where they have to be in order to make their mother feel okay and I think they also know (I hope they know) I will be okay and am always there supporting them in all they do. They have learned that they have to make their mother feel okay and comfortable. It's their normal on her weekends. The event ends and once again the fake smiles and awkward "thanks, for coming are said" but still not a word or wave from HER. 

Does she realize how EXTREMELY lucky she is to have an involved father who not only pays his child support but shows up for his time with the kids and goes to every event? Does she realize how lucky she is to have a Step-mom involved with her kids that actually cares and does a good job, one who goes above and beyond what is asked of her? Why act cold and bitter and mad that we are showing up for the kids? Isn't this what is best for them? Doesn't this benefit them? The sad thing is... is that I know she doesn't care. She is so blinded by her own anger and feelings that she doesn't care about any else's feelings even her own children. I'm so proud of my husband and I for even showing up to these things. Does she even get how hard that is to walk into a place where everyone is judging us based upon lies? 

I leave these event's with the most empty feeling and the one word that describes it best is

DISAPPOINTMENT

It doesn't have to be this way. Why is it this way? We all love the same children. Why can't we show respect to each other in front of the kids? Let them see us saying to hi to each other. EVEN after all the hurtful things she has done to me and said to me... IF she would have said hi or waved, I would have forgiven all things yet again just to have the chance for peace. It's not about ego for me or who is first place. I just want peace and for events to not be so stressful or hard on me. I have been sick all day. My anxiety and nervous stomach got the best of me today. Maybe one day I will not care so much but then I wouldn't be me. I'm just a girl who finally after going through hell myself and being a REAL, TRUE single mother in every sense of the word for 6 long years found the love of my life and someone to help me raise my 2 boys and just want to be happy. Let me be happy. The crazy thing is... I also want happiness for you too even after all the hell you have put me through. That is just the kind of person I am. 

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new day and with it new words...

Hope..
     Peace...
Understanding...
and most importantly LOVE...