Our last fight was over this very subject and I was left feeling extremely HURT. I'm a people pleaser and sometimes to a fault and because of this AND because of the fact that I know she HATES me.. has me being super nice and trying to do anything I can to change her mind about me, no matter how horrible she is to me... I come back even nicer. WHY? Why do I put myself through this torture? This is something I have been trying to figure out for 6 years now. Why am I seeking her approval? To be honest, I don't think it's any of those things. I think it has to do with the fact that I put in a lot of work and do so many extra things for her and the kids and to have her constantly spew hate in my face gets exhausting. I want to be acknowledged for the things I do. I WANT respect! I feel I deserve RESPECT! That's all.
As for my step-daughters hair...From the beginning, I went out and bought salon brand shampoo and conditioner and hair moisturizer. I send her home with clean well kept hair almost trying to prove to her look I CAN do her hair but when BM is mad she comes for the juggler! She comes at you with the most hurtful things she can say. She fights hard and dirty... A technique I'm not familiar with or comfortable with. I know the power of words and saying something so hateful to someone can stick with them for a lifetime. Believe me! The things she has said to me run through my head weekly and don't think for a second I haven't wanted to retaliate and say rude things back but something inside me always stops me. Many a email have been written and then deleted. It's hard to always take the high road...But I'm hoping one day it will pay off.
I think it's a beautiful thing to be raised by 2 very different mothers. Do you know how much you can learn from both of them? Different points of view on everything. My most favorite, cherished times are when I'm bathing my step-daughter and teaching her how to wash herself and chatting as we do her hair. We have grown closer through those moments when she plays with my makeup and we talk about life. She doesn't care that I'm white and may not know how to braid her hair just like her mom can. All she knows is that her Mom 2 (as I'm listed in her phone) does her hair her own way and that's okay. She sees me for me and loves me too. If only everyone saw things they way small children do. The world would be a much happier place.
This isn't a competition. No one comes in first place. Aren't we in this race together? Aren't we raising the same kids to hopefully become successful adults? My mantra of killing the BM with kindness hasn't been successful. It's actually hurt me over the course of the years and I have had to remove myself from being so available to the BM and take a step back to protect myself but I will always hold out hope that one day we will all get along. Wishful thinking? or just who I am?
Some things I have learned.
1. Don't bad mouth each other. As much as you may want to.. Don't. The kids will one day look back and KNOW which parent did this and which one didn't. Don't be on the wrong list one day. They will thank you for it one day.
2. Don't take things so personal. This one is hard for me and something I have to keep working on. What the BM thinks of you is none of your concern. YOU know who you are and what you do. That should be enough. Easier said then done though.
These days I'm choosing to focus more on my family and the good times. I have to remember that being in a blended family means many things are out of my control and I have to be okay with that. Also it is okay to set boundaries. You do not need to subject yourself to hurtful things, remove yourself from unhealthy situations dealing with the BM.
To all the Step-mama's out there... YOU are doing a good job! You are appreciated! Don't stop fighting the good fight!
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