Thursday Thoughts...

Relationships are hard work but then you add in all the baggage that comes along with being in a second or third marriage and it can sometimes be a recipe for disaster. Don't let it be. Fight for your marriage and your happiness. For me I found TRUE, REAL love the second time around. My first marriage I was TOO young, too dumb and thought I could fix him with my love. Ya, that really worked out for me! :p I really can't compare the two marriages because I didn't have a solid foundation the first time around. I felt like I was in that marriage alone and I was. When I reconnected with my current husband (we have known each other since we were kids..I'll tell that story another time ;)) I had been a single mother for 6 LONG, hard years. I had almost given up hope on ever finding true love, he was a breath of fresh air. He treated me good, like a real partner, he was great with my boys, he was a hard worker and he was a great father. We had an instant connection and built a great friendship that turned into a relationship. I knew he had 4 kids and I knew it would be a lot of work but I was really quite naive about just how much baggage came along with it. I thought his ex would be decent and we would all get along and ride off in the sunset... Wishful thinking on my part. Although it has been extremely hard and painful at times, I wouldn't trade my marriage for anything in the world. Having a partner that loves me is everything to me! 

Here are some things that have helped us keep our relationship strong:

1. Make time for each other. Whether it be a quick little lunch/dinner date or even just a scenic drive. Make the time to connect just the two of you. Remember kids grow up and leave the nest...you are with your husband a lifetime. Put in the work. 

2. Don't talk about the EX all the time. This one is a hard one! Especially if you are dealing with a high-conflict ex that seems to cause issues daily/weekly. She wants you to talk about her and she wants to make you guys as unhappy as she is. Don't give her what she wants. Deal with the issue and move on. Don't let her become a wedge between you.

3. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks about you. I spent too many years caring what other people think. STOP. I know who I am and what I do as a wife, mother and step-mother and I don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks.

4. Tell each other how much you appreciate the other. This is especially important for us step-parents. Being a step-parent is a thankless job half the time. You do everything a real parent does but sometimes get no credit. It helps to have a supportive spouse that sees and appreciates all you do for your family.

Everything isn't always going to run smoothly... But if you build a solid foundation and make time for each other, you will be able to deal with all that life throws your way. 

Disappointment

Sadness..
          Anger...
     Fear...
              Anxious...
       Nervous...
 Hurt....
     Awkward...
                Unwanted..
Disappointed...

Sadly, that is what I felt today.

I knew it was coming. 2 of my s-sons had an event at church today. I knew all week long that I would have to see HER today but no matter how much I prepare, I'm always a mess. First it starts out with feeling anxious and this need to pick out just the right dress and make sure my make-up is flawless. (anyone else?) Then right as we are about to walk out the door...it hits me. Immediately my stomach starts turning and I'm feeling sick but I push through it. We get to the church and go in. (mind you everyone in that building has heard HER version of the divorce and HER version about who I am) It's the worst feeling in the world going into enemy territory. Not knowing who is who and nodding and smiling at their fake hello's BUT I tell myself.. This is all for the kids. I'm here for the kids.  As we sit and wait my husband looks over and asks if I'm okay. No, No I'm not but I have to pretend to be. He knows it and can see how bad my stomach is hurting in my face. He pats my leg and we wait....
and wait... for what seems like an eternity. When you are in a place where you feel so unwanted time moves ever so slowly. I can feel my heartbeat ringing in my ears. Then I catch a glimpse of HER down the hallway making her way over to the room, trailing behind her are the 4 children we both LOVE and care for. She walks right in front of me and pretends I don't exist. Not a wave, not a hi, nothing...  I can see on the kids faces that they feel awkward and unsure of what to do and what is acceptable by their mother. One by one they quickly acknowledge me and just as quickly go right back to their mother's side. They know where they have to be in order to make their mother feel okay and I think they also know (I hope they know) I will be okay and am always there supporting them in all they do. They have learned that they have to make their mother feel okay and comfortable. It's their normal on her weekends. The event ends and once again the fake smiles and awkward "thanks, for coming are said" but still not a word or wave from HER. 

Does she realize how EXTREMELY lucky she is to have an involved father who not only pays his child support but shows up for his time with the kids and goes to every event? Does she realize how lucky she is to have a Step-mom involved with her kids that actually cares and does a good job, one who goes above and beyond what is asked of her? Why act cold and bitter and mad that we are showing up for the kids? Isn't this what is best for them? Doesn't this benefit them? The sad thing is... is that I know she doesn't care. She is so blinded by her own anger and feelings that she doesn't care about any else's feelings even her own children. I'm so proud of my husband and I for even showing up to these things. Does she even get how hard that is to walk into a place where everyone is judging us based upon lies? 

I leave these event's with the most empty feeling and the one word that describes it best is

DISAPPOINTMENT

It doesn't have to be this way. Why is it this way? We all love the same children. Why can't we show respect to each other in front of the kids? Let them see us saying to hi to each other. EVEN after all the hurtful things she has done to me and said to me... IF she would have said hi or waved, I would have forgiven all things yet again just to have the chance for peace. It's not about ego for me or who is first place. I just want peace and for events to not be so stressful or hard on me. I have been sick all day. My anxiety and nervous stomach got the best of me today. Maybe one day I will not care so much but then I wouldn't be me. I'm just a girl who finally after going through hell myself and being a REAL, TRUE single mother in every sense of the word for 6 long years found the love of my life and someone to help me raise my 2 boys and just want to be happy. Let me be happy. The crazy thing is... I also want happiness for you too even after all the hell you have put me through. That is just the kind of person I am. 

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new day and with it new words...

Hope..
     Peace...
Understanding...
and most importantly LOVE...


      

Fighting the good fight

We are a blended family and not only are we a blended family but we are also an interracial family. This hasn't really been an issue other then your occasional stare from strangers and personally I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I love my family just the way we are but for the BM I believe it has and always will be an issue that comes out when she is mad in the form of hateful words like "your WHITE wife" "Stupid White wife" "White bitch" and my personal favorite... "I don't want your WHITE wife touching my black daughter's hair!" What do you think would happen if I said those things to her!!? If I used her skin color before a word?? Can you imagine? I would be called a racist and more but it's okay for her to call me those things? SO sad. 

Our last fight was over this very subject and I was left feeling extremely HURT. I'm a people pleaser and sometimes to a fault and because of this AND because of the fact that I know she HATES me.. has me being super nice and trying to do anything I can to change her mind about me, no matter how horrible she is to me... I come back even nicer. WHY? Why do I put myself through this torture? This is something I have been trying to figure out for 6 years now. Why am I seeking her approval? To be honest, I don't think it's any of those things. I think it has to do with the fact that I put in a lot of work and do so many extra things for her and the kids and to have her constantly spew hate in my face gets exhausting. I want to be acknowledged for the things I do. I WANT respect! I feel I deserve RESPECT! That's all. 

As for my step-daughters hair...From the beginning, I went out and bought salon brand shampoo and conditioner and hair moisturizer. I send her home with clean well kept hair almost trying to prove to her look I CAN do her hair but when BM is mad she comes for the juggler! She comes at you with the most hurtful things she can say. She fights hard and dirty... A technique I'm not familiar with or comfortable with. I know the power of words and saying something so hateful to someone can stick with them for a lifetime. Believe me! The things she has said to me run through my head weekly and don't think for a second I haven't wanted to retaliate and say rude things back but something inside me always stops me. Many a email have been written and then deleted. It's hard to always take the high road...But I'm hoping one day it will pay off.

I think it's a beautiful thing to be raised by 2 very different mothers. Do you know how much you can learn from both of them? Different points of view on everything. My most favorite, cherished times are when I'm bathing my step-daughter and teaching her how to wash herself and chatting as we do her hair. We have grown closer through those moments when she plays with my makeup and we talk about life. She doesn't care that I'm white and may not know how to braid her hair just like her mom can. All she knows is that her Mom 2 (as I'm listed in her phone) does her hair her own way and that's okay. She sees me for me and loves me too. If only everyone saw things they way small children do. The world would be a much happier place. 

This isn't a competition. No one comes in first place. Aren't we in this race together? Aren't we raising the same kids to hopefully become successful adults? My mantra of killing the BM with kindness hasn't been successful. It's actually hurt me over the course of the years and I have had to remove myself from being so available to the BM and take a step back to protect myself but I will always hold out hope that one day we will all get along. Wishful thinking? or just who I am?

Some things I have learned.

1. Don't bad mouth each other. As much as you may want to.. Don't. The kids will one day look back and KNOW which parent did this and which one didn't. Don't be on the wrong list one day. They will thank you for it one day.

2. Don't take things so personal. This one is hard for me and something I have to keep working on. What the BM thinks of you is none of your concern. YOU know who you are and what you do. That should be enough. Easier said then done though.

These days I'm choosing to focus more on my family and the good times. I have to remember that being in a blended family means many things are out of my control and I have to be okay with that. Also it is okay to set boundaries. You do not need to subject yourself to hurtful things, remove yourself from unhealthy situations dealing with the BM.

To all the Step-mama's out there... YOU are doing a good job! You are appreciated! Don't stop fighting the good fight!


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